King of My World

King of My World

“I want to do things so wild with you that I don’t know how to say them” Anais Nin

2018 has proven to be a profound year for me and we’re only halfway through the year. Our lives have forever been in flux due to my autoimmune disorders and severe environmental allergies to mold, but this year is of particular note. It was the year I ridiculously fell deeper in love with Dominic. I didn’t think it possible to love someone this deeply, and it scared me so much that I didn’t even know how to tell him.

I often think back to when we first met in 2002 and how as colleagues we enjoyed working together. It was a blessing to work with such a talented chef and healer. I would have never known back then that he would be the greatest love of my life. He has always been someone who encouraged and listened to me as if I were the only one that existed on the planet. The support he offers strengthens me daily, giving me the confidence to keep moving forward.

His unwavering compassion in the face of my ill health is everything to me. He loves me as I am, all of me. To be loved this way is a treasure. A gift that doesn’t seem to have an end to it. My life would be very different if he never invaded my soul.

I’m unsure how it happened, this new deeper love I have for him, but it rocked my world. You know how when you first fall in love, there is this infatuation and desire that can’t seem to be extinguished? It’s thrilling and exciting to look into your lover’s eyes and feel your heart race a little more as he/she smiles warmly at you. Well, I was disarmed this year and knocked over with this new wave of feelings.

In trying to express myself, I would start to shake, and then cry. I couldn’t get it out in a way that would make sense. I was a wreck.

Generally, when two people are in love, it’s kind of mutual…don’t you think?

I had to think about why I felt so emotional about falling in love deeper, and it hit me. Fear crept into me for the first time ever. I began to wonder if it could be possible for me to be more in love than he was. What happens then? Can one person be more in love than another? What does that look like? Self-preservation is a strong and devious advesary to deep lasting love and friendship, and I felt like I had some sort of self-preservation creeping up in my heart.

Self-preservation says to its selfish desires, “Don’t love too deeply or you’ll be vulnerable and exposed.” or “Only love as much as you are loved.” Self-preservation is something that Dominic and I don’t practice. Neither of us has ever felt the need to defend ourselves from one another or be on guard. And yet, here I was with self-preservation rearing its ugly head.

I put to death my self-preservation because it only leads to self-pity, selfishness, false motives, the need to be ‘right’, and the desire to further my own agenda.

Instead, I choose to fully accept this new deeper love I feel and lavish it all on him every day.

I thought this last move to New Mexico was going to break us emotionally. The traumatic events of leaving Maine three years ago broke us emotionally and stripped us of the ability to make sound decisions. We endured it together. Over the last three years, we have had to move a total of nine times. Most of the time it was because of my severe mold allergy or being electrohypersensitive. It didn’t break him, and it didn’t break me. This last move did the opposite; I fell in love all over again. He and I were exhausted, I had to recover physically from biotoxin illness, my lungs were not working right (they are still recovering slowly). We were (and still are) financially underwater. And yet, here I am stupid in love.

Beyond my own feelings of deep love and admiration for him, I feel he exemplifies what it means to be a father. He is always there for our children if they need to talk. He cares for his stepchildren as though he was their father from the day they were born. He stepped into the role of a father embracing my children as his own. They are his children even though they are not biologically his. When Simone was born, he didn’t emotionally distance himself from our other children but instead felt an even deeper bond to all of them.

He is their protector if and when they need him. He never pushes them or forces his beliefs on them. Instead, he gracefully loves them right where they are. His warmth, care, joy, love, laughter, positive outlook on life, generosity, and gentleness have had an impact on our children and I believe have even impacted how they choose companions for themselves.

I trust him fully. Admire him breathlessly. He is king of my world.

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day! I must say that Sunday was probably one of the strangest days I’ve ever encountered.
Dom was hell bent on getting the food all prepared and setting up a make shift grill in front of our house, my dad was busy painting our shed, and I was in the house trying to keep up with Dom’s breakneck kitchen speed.

In between that and watering everything outside, we had the crazy task of cleaning out and scrubbing the duck pen.

The ODOR that was coming from under the straw was diabolical. LOL We got the ducks and chicks all wrangled up and put into a smaller pool, and then took that nasty ass pool outside to  be cleaned.

Raunchy comes to mind when I think of that smell! Anyway, we got the pen cleaned out, fresh water and food given and started on the next tasks…cleaning the kitchen.

The day continued to get stranger as morning became afternoon. There were a few arguments with my children, some horrid yelling on my part, a toddler disaster, some very hurt feelings and a number of ridiculous things said to me that day. Again, I say it was the strangest day ever.

On Saturday, we went to pick up the fig trees to do a planting for Father’s day, and the man we’ll be getting our fig trees from leaves a message while we are on our way to Albuquerque to pick them up and he says that he is ill and won’t be able to meet with us. GRRR! So we decided to go to the local nurseries to find some figs instead, and all of the places we went to the trees were either too expensive or too small AND expensive. We came back from Albuquerque empty handed, but we will get to plant the trees soon and we’ll do a dedication at that time. While we were gone, Dom was busy with Simmi at home.

Because of the “toddler disaster” on Sunday, the rest of the day was a bust. I can’t get into what the disaster was, but I can say it was quite gross!

I wish I had better control over some of the things that happened on Father’s Day, and that I could have made the day go much more smoothly, but alas, it is what it is I guess.

Dad, thank you for being an encouragement to us and for helping us out here with the things that need to be done. Thank you for all the love you show to your grand children and great grandchild, and for your creative ideas.We love you and appreciate you.

Dom, thank you for being such an awesome father and friend. I love you with all that is in me. Thank you for how you care for each of our children.

Thank you also for being honest, forthright, loving and just plain awesome. You never cease to amaze me with the love and compassion you show not only to me, but our whole family.

I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Your pure heart and gentle ways keeps me balanced when things go nuts around here. Thank you for being a strong example of what a loving, nurturing, caring, kind and considerate man is.

Thank you for leading by example when it comes to making decisions and for showing wisdom beyond your years.

There truly is none like you in all the world!

I also thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made for us by working two jobs in order for me to be able to stay at home with Simmi so we can give her the quality of life she needs and deserves.

It’s not easy caring for a special needs toddler, and I really love how you accept and appreciate Simmi for who she is.

She is so precious, and even though she has been giving you HELL these last few days, your strong and gentle hands and voice will lead her back to where she can feel secure and in control. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you are…Happy Father’s Day my Love!

We also are in the process of moving the ducklings and chicks out into the back courtyard until their permanent home is built, the pond is ready and new trees and grass are growing.

Today Dom was working on building their temporary house, and I’m just about ready to go out and try to finish it up.

Its been a long and every entertaining day having the ducklings and chicks outside swimming in the water, scurrying around the patio and hiding under some wood for shade. I think they are really enjoying being outdoors.

Here are a few photos of us putting them outside today. When I have time later, I’ll upload the videos we took of them and add them as well: